Monday 30 December 2013

Waiting is so hard...

Wait on the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Little One, you will soon learn, that your mama is not so good at waiting. But today, today was especially hard. I was supposed to get a call this morning telling me what my combined blood results are, which will give me an idea of the odds of you have down syndrome or another trisomy.  I was hoping for any number bigger than 1:150 because any lower number than that makes me high risk. I was mentally preparing myself for the fact that its not going to be a comfortable number like 1:2000... but maybe, just maybe 1:200 - I would be so happy with that number, even though its still lower than most. 

Half the day went by and they still hadn't rung, so I rang them. The midwife said my results weren't in yet, but that she would ring me back as soon as they arrived. She did ring back not long after. 

1:16

I could hardly believe I heard right. Our odds cant be that high. surely. I couldn't get off the phone fast enough. I needed to cry. I had so hoped for better for you. I am heartbroken. I know that God has you in the palm of His hands, and I need to entrust you to Him. Its so hard to do! 

Oscar must have known how upset I was, because he came and cuddled us both, it made me smile and cheered me right up!



Your Daddy is my encourager always. He keeps telling me that we dont have enough to go on to be worried, and this could all mean nothing. So I cling to his words, and to Gods promises that He knows the plans He has for you! 

I love you little bean! 
Love, Mama


Friday 27 December 2013

Bitter-Sweet...

Cast all your anxiety on the Lord, for He cares for you! 1 Peter 5:7

Little Bean, 

I was so nervous lying on that bed waiting for the sonographer to get started. But almost straight away she said, there's a heartbeat....she then said not to worry if she is quiet for long, as she has lots of measuring to do. So your daddy and I watched you and giggled at your chubby little tummy while she was busy. You were the cutest little wiggle worm I ever laid eyes on! You had a BIG head...so I kept telling daddy that you have his brains! I am still convinced your'e a boy! 


The lady kept prodding at you...and then asked us to go and have a walk to get you moving. I knew that
something wasn't right. I tried to stay positive and not to worry. After her trying to get pictures of you from every angle, she eventually told us that something was not quite right. You have too much fluid in your nuchal fold, behind your neck. They want to see a measurement of below 2.5mm, but yours is 4.6mm. I tried so hard to stay composed and not to cry. But I was tearing up, and your daddy could tell I was scared. He knows me so well. I can see the fluid in your scan picture... that doesn't stop me looking at you..I think your'e perfect, and so cute with your little hand resting on your nose. 

I already knew what this could mean, because I researched so much about these scans. They sent us into a room to chat with the genetic counsellor anyway, to explain it further. You could have Downs syndrome, Potters syndrome, or, if your'e a girl, you could have Turners syndrome. It could also be nothing. But if I want to know for sure, I can have a CVS or Amnio test. But I dont want to do that, because there is a slim chance that you may die if I do. And I have waited so long, and wanted you so much. I love you too much. Instead, I can opt to just have a blood test and extra scans, which wont give me an answer, but will give us a better idea. 

I cried a lot today. I am so heartbroken. I feel cheated. I had so hoped that we could come away from todays scan, being told that you are perfect, and nothing at all was wrong. I am so scared, not knowing is so very hard, especially knowing that there is a chance I could lose you. But I know that I need to trust God with you. He will give us everything we need to cope. Meanwhile, I just pray he grows you big and strong! Nothing else matters in the long run.

We made the decision to announce you today.... some people may think we are crazy because there is no way to know if your'e ok. But I want everyone to know that God is blessing us with you, and I want to celebrate you, no matter whether your'e only here for a short while, or a long life! God deserves so much praise for making you. This is how we announced your precious life!

I love you so much - it hurts me to know that something might be wrong with you, I want you to be safe, and healthy - I wish I could somehow help... I feel very helpless! 

Hang in there and stay strong lil bean! We cant wait to see you again soon! And guess what, we now know your due date- its the 6th of July! 

Love, 
Mama



Sunday 22 December 2013

We have a date, you and I!

You hem me in, behind and before, You lay your hand upon me! Psalm 139:5

Little Bean,

I can hardly believe I get to see you again this week! Just a few more days.... not long at all. I cant wait to see if your'e doing ok! I know your little heart is still beating strong because I hear it every day - its so reassuring!! :)


I am so glad to know that God is busy at work on you. Its hard knowing that I have no real control over how things are going in that little house of yours, but its ok, its teaching me to trust our Maker more and more every day!

I am not feeling as sick any more, which partly worries me, because I wonder if it means your'e not doing so great...but not long until I know how you are! I am steadily getting bigger and I love being able to see the affects of you growing!

Once we have seen you on Friday, we will tell the world all about you! And I cant wait to share the news, some people know about you but I want to tell everyone...its so hard to contain something so exciting!

We were able to share the news at a team reunion yesterday, but there are still so many people to tell! 

Looking forward to our little date, 

Love you so much, 
Mama


Thursday 5 December 2013

Your Precious Heart...

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life! Proverbs 4:23

Little Bean,

This week I have been able to find your heartbeat at home on my doppler. Its my new favorite
sound! Although, I think it may just drive your daddy around the bend because I just cant get enough of hearing it! It makes me smile every time, and reassures me that your'e still growing strong. The proof is in my ever so slightly swelling belly!


I have been praying for your heart ever since I knew you existed. Praying that you would have a heart of compassion, a heart of joy. I pray every day that you will learn to love God with your whole heart. I pray often that daddy and I will be able to help you to guard your heart from all the ungodly things of this world, and help you to fill it with all the beautiful things instead. 

We know that God is already at work in your heart, and that He is already preparing you for the life you have ahead. He will be your strength and your comfort. I am trying to trust Him with your precious heart - because I know that I am not capable of doing anything good on my own, I need to let him lead and guide me in being your mama! 

Here is a video - taken the first ever time that I heard your precious heartbeat - I hope I never forget how good it was to hear it for the first time!


Taking care of your heart after you arrive is going to be a big responsibility...so for now, I am just going to relish this time, where your heart is beating right next to mine! 
I love you! 
Love, Mama



Wednesday 27 November 2013

Finally, I meet my baby!

Your eyes saw my unformed body, all the days ordained for me were written in your book, before even one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16


Little Bean, 

I am on cloud nine! We went in for our scan today, and we got to see you for the first time ever. You are so
tiny! But you are there, growing, and your perfect little heart is beating away! Your daddy had tears in his
eyes, and he was so so excited to see you - and he was amazed at your heartbeat...your'e so strong!

We can already make out your little head, and tum, and tucked up legs! 

I am so in love with every little bit of you - who knew I could love someone so small in such a BIG way. It amazes me so much! Kind of a reflection, a very small reflection, of how much God loves us! 

We also have this little video, where you can see your heart flickering away - its not very clear - I think we were too beside ourselves with excitement to be able to do anything that required fine motor skills - but I am glad we have the memory recorded at least :) 

I cant wait to see you again - we have to wait a WHOLE month which feels like an absolute eternity away! But when we do finally get to it, they will be able to tell us roughly when you might be in our arms! I am pretty excited about that. According to my calculations, that should be about 10th July 2014 - we will soon know! 

We love you so much little one, 
Love from,
Mama



Monday 25 November 2013

Small bump...

For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mothers womb. Psalm 139:13


Little Bean, that's what we have been calling you! Your dad occasionally calls you 'Mr Bean' and I have to remind him that we don't know that for sure yet! I do feel like your'e a boy though! I don't know why :) mothers instinct I guess! If you are a boy we plan to call you Malakai Daniel. In my head I have been calling you that for a while already though! 

Its my birthday tomorrow, but I hardly remembered, I am so focussed on your birthday and yet we have a whole 7 months to wait still! I am about 7 or so weeks pregnant, but we wont know for sure until our scan. Only 2 days to wait until we see you - see if your heart is beating and whether you are growing in the right place. I am so scared - I just know the world will stop spinning in that moment where we wait to see if your heart is beating. You mean so much to us already. God is so good to give us you to treasure - I pray every day that He lets us look after you for a long time. It would hurt too much to have to say goodbye so soon! 

Your daddy invited some people over yesterday for a surprise pizza party for me. He is so good to me! I was feeling so sick, and it really cheered me up :) The house was filled with lots of little people - and it made me smile to think that it wouldn't be long until you would be running around in our lives. 

I took a picture afterwards of our cat Oscar sleeping on my belly because I am starting to get a little bump -
I think Oscar knows that your'e in there because he has become really attached to my belly lately! 

I cant wait to see you on Wednesday - until then, keep growing strong! We love you so much already! 

Lots of love, 
Mama

Thursday 31 October 2013

Our Rainbow after the Storm...

The Lord is trustworthy in all He promises, and faithful in all He does! 

Psalm 145:13b

Some say that 7 is the perfect number. 7 days in a week. God rested on the 7th day. 7 years of abundance, 7 years of famine.... There are lots of 7's...I could go through the bible and dig them all up - But we would be here all day. For me, right now... 7 means heartache. 7 exciting moments of positive pregnancy tests, followed by 7 early pregnancy losses! 



You my child, are my 8th! And I am filled with so much hope. Your'e my rainbow. The answer to prayer, a promise fulfilled. I feel like maybe I am being premature in allowing myself to hope so soon, after all, I have no way of knowing how long you will be with me. But I have decided, to not live in fear, but to celebrate every moment I have with you - No matter how short our time may be! Every moment is so precious, and although the world may not acknowledge you yet, you are already my child, known and loved by me, by your dad, and by God! I've only known about you for 3 days, yet already I am so excited! So in love with you! Today I woke up excited to test and see that you are in fact real! Not just my imagination! And YES! You are there, you are growing...and I couldn't be happier, nor more grateful to God! 

Test after test, you remained there.... until eventually, I finally give in and believe that you are indeed here to stay! Here begins a wonderful journey, one that I am so glad to be travelling. I cant wait to meet you! 

All my love, 
Mama