Bitter-Sweet...

Cast all your anxiety on the Lord, for He cares for you! 1 Peter 5:7

Little Bean, 

I was so nervous lying on that bed waiting for the sonographer to get started. But almost straight away she said, there's a heartbeat....she then said not to worry if she is quiet for long, as she has lots of measuring to do. So your daddy and I watched you and giggled at your chubby little tummy while she was busy. You were the cutest little wiggle worm I ever laid eyes on! You had a BIG head...so I kept telling daddy that you have his brains! I am still convinced your'e a boy! 

The lady kept prodding at you...and then asked us to go and have a walk to get you moving. I knew that
something wasn't right. I tried to stay positive and not to worry. After her trying to get pictures of you from every angle, she eventually told us that something was not quite right. You have too much fluid in your nuchal fold, behind your neck. They want to see a measurement of below 2.5mm, but yours is 4.6mm. I tried so hard to stay composed and not to cry. But I was tearing up, and your daddy could tell I was scared. He knows me so well. I can see the fluid in your scan picture... that doesn't stop me looking at you..I think your'e perfect, and so cute with your little hand resting on your nose. 

I already knew what this could mean, because I researched so much about these scans. They sent us into a room to chat with the genetic counsellor anyway, to explain it further. You could have Downs syndrome, Potters syndrome, or, if your'e a girl, you could have Turners syndrome. It could also be nothing. But if I want to know for sure, I can have a CVS or Amnio test. But I dont want to do that, because there is a slim chance that you may die if I do. And I have waited so long, and wanted you so much. I love you too much. Instead, I can opt to just have a blood test and extra scans, which wont give me an answer, but will give us a better idea. 

I cried a lot today. I am so heartbroken. I feel cheated. I had so hoped that we could come away from todays scan, being told that you are perfect, and nothing at all was wrong. I am so scared, not knowing is so very hard, especially knowing that there is a chance I could lose you. But I know that I need to trust God with you. He will give us everything we need to cope. Meanwhile, I just pray he grows you big and strong! Nothing else matters in the long run.

We made the decision to announce you today.... some people may think we are crazy because there is no way to know if your'e ok. But I want everyone to know that God is blessing us with you, and I want to celebrate you, no matter whether your'e only here for a short while, or a long life! God deserves so much praise for making you. This is how we announced your precious life!

I love you so much - it hurts me to know that something might be wrong with you, I want you to be safe, and healthy - I wish I could somehow help... I feel very helpless! 

Hang in there and stay strong lil bean! We cant wait to see you again soon! And guess what, we now know your due date- its the 6th of July! 

Love, 

Mama