Busy week ahead!

And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those that love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Malakai, 

You are 24 weeks! I am so excited to reach viability week! I am so excited by all the growing you have
been doing! Your'e so so big now! You stretch right across my belly!! I can feel when you do a big stretch, I can feel you hiccuping all the time! I can tell when you elbow me, when you kick me, and even when you stick your little butt out! I know when your'e sleeping and awake! You never seem to stop moving...your'e gonna keep us on our toes I can tell! I wasn't prepared for just how much I would know about you before you even arrived!! Its pretty cool! You have stretched my tummy right out and given me some serious stretch marks... my tiger stripes I like to think! :) a nice reminder that your'e growing big in there!

We have a meeting on Wednesday with our consultant to discuss more about you and your health. Then a midwife appointment on Friday too! So its kind of a busy week all about you! I feel so at peace about you, I know that God has you in the palm of His hand, He loves you, and He has BIG plans for you! 

Its also downs syndrome awareness week this week, which I only know about because of the possibility that you may have downs syndrome. We don't know the outcome for you just yet, but I do know already that God is using this situation, and this time of waiting, for good. 

We are so blessed, and our lives are so enriched by you already Malakai... Your'e not even here yet and you have taught us to see the world in a different way! I am so glad that we have you as our son... already, I cannot imagine life without you in it! 

Love,  

Mama

Heartbroken....

For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

My Malakai, 

I woke up hopeful and optomistic for today.. Its the follow up scan to your MRI. You had not stopped wiggling since I woke up this morning, and I take that as a good sign! For the most part, things look as they usually do. Your heart, yet again, is your strength - its beating away powerfully and it seems ok. You are weighing about 1lb and 3oz now! Thats so crazy to me! I am so proud of how BIG your'e growing!!

But they found another marker for downs syndrome little man.. you have Pre-nasal Oedema. That, when put together with your teeny nose, chubby lil neck, short legs and unilateral ventriculamegaly - means that its looking increasingly like you have a chromosomal abnormality, the most likely of which is Downs syndrome. 

I so want to dig deep and find some hope. But I cant, not today anyway. I am heartbroken. I want you to

have every shot at a normal life. I want everyone around you to treat you as normal, and I know that is just not feasible with downs syndrome, there will always be someone that wont treat you as you deserve. This world is cruel. I know that ultimately, I am just so very grateful to have you. We have prayed for you and hoped for you for a long long time. and God has blessed us with you. We have our little miracle. I just hate the not knowing! Its agony. 

So many people are being so kind and encouraging, telling us that we will be great parents..its so thoughtful, but I really just want everything to be better for you. I feel responsible for every challenge you will face if you have that extra chromosome. I feel like this is all so unfair, but then I remember that you are everything I ever wanted. A beautiful child. 

I spent a lot of today crying, and your daddy spent a lot of today comforting - we have no way of knowing what lies ahead. But we do know one thing, you are the most loved boy in the world. We cant get enough of you. I am so glad that your'e in my life, and I am so excited to meet you one day soon! 

We continue to pray for you every day. Your daddy talks to you in my belly all the time :) and he sings too. We love spending time with you! And lucky us, we get to see you next week again, hopefully!

Keep kicking little man, 

I love you so much, 

Mama

Your first MRI - and Hopefully the last!

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was made in the secret place, woven together in the depths of the earth. Psalm 139:15

Little Man Malakai, 

Your swelling my belly right up! Every now and again your daddy looks at me and says "Wow, you really ARE pregnant aren't you!!" Silly man!

Today we had your MRI - it was horrible and noisy and you hated it. You wiggled and jumped and squirmed and kicked the whole way through. I felt so bad for you! But we did get some very cool shots of you. We are so lucky to get such a glimpse into your little world. The video of you kicking and moving just reminds me of how amazing your creator is! He is knitting you together, bit by bit. 

We wont get the full results until we go to see the consultant next week, but the suspected unilateral ventriculamegaly has been confirmed. All we can do is hope and pray that this is not affecting your developement, and that you stay strong for now.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152170669180753&l=6574805677181299082

We thank God for every day we have with you... 

I love you so much, 

Mama

Your'e so adorable....

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well! Psalm 139:14

Little Man Malakai, 

Daddy and I got to see you again today.. it seems you grow more adorable every time! You with your teeny nose and big noggin! We love you from top to toe! It amazes me how much detail we can see of you... All four chambers of your heart, your kidneys, your little fingers and toes, your perfect spine! 

Again, you made us proud with your strong heart. Your'e such a good boy! :) And everything else structural is looking good. The Dr found a little too much fluid on the left ventricle of your brain though (Unilateral Ventriculamegaly) - It is borderline at the moment but he wants a second opinion, and so is sending us in for an MRI on Wednesday to take a closer look. 

I am trying very hard to not worry, and your daddy is doing a great job in taking care of me and reminding me that God is in control! I am so glad that he is your daddy, you are one lucky boy....he is the best and you are gonna love him so much! :)

We will be seeing you again in two days, arent we lucky! in the mean time, keep growing!

Love you the whole wide world, 

Mama

Halfway and kicking!

Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength! Nehemiah 8:10

Malakai! We are halfway!! Way-to-go little man! That's quite the milestone!

This week was also the first time I caught your little kicks on camera. They are very little, but they are indeed there! You never stop kicking.... its constant! I even caught a game of poke on camera...I poke and you kick... I love it!

You are gonna be one active little boy, I can tell! I don't think anyone is quite as excited as I am about your kicking... but that's ok :) Every kick brings a smile to my face! Everytime I tell your daddy that you kicked me, he says 'thats ma boy!' - He thinks he is so funny!

Everyone notices my belly now, so I get lots of questions about you. Sometimes I don't know what to say. People ask me about how sick I feel, or if I hate any food or smells. This all seems so trivial to me when I am constantly thinking about all the possible problems you could have with your health. No-one seems to want to talk about the fact that you could have downs syndrome. And almost everyone brushes this away. Like mass denial. People tell me not to think about something that might not even happen. But how can I not think about it. Your'e my little boy, I want to be ready for you in every way I can. I want to help you as much as I can! I need to know that I have prepared as best I can for my child. I think some people see this as dwelling on the negative.

I know there is still every chance that your'e just fine. But its so hard to process all the what ifs! Trying so hard to hand it all over to God every day.

I love you little man!
Mama