Heartbroken....

For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

My Malakai, 

I woke up hopeful and optomistic for today.. Its the follow up scan to your MRI. You had not stopped wiggling since I woke up this morning, and I take that as a good sign! For the most part, things look as they usually do. Your heart, yet again, is your strength - its beating away powerfully and it seems ok. You are weighing about 1lb and 3oz now! Thats so crazy to me! I am so proud of how BIG your'e growing!!

But they found another marker for downs syndrome little man.. you have Pre-nasal Oedema. That, when put together with your teeny nose, chubby lil neck, short legs and unilateral ventriculamegaly - means that its looking increasingly like you have a chromosomal abnormality, the most likely of which is Downs syndrome. 

I so want to dig deep and find some hope. But I cant, not today anyway. I am heartbroken. I want you to

have every shot at a normal life. I want everyone around you to treat you as normal, and I know that is just not feasible with downs syndrome, there will always be someone that wont treat you as you deserve. This world is cruel. I know that ultimately, I am just so very grateful to have you. We have prayed for you and hoped for you for a long long time. and God has blessed us with you. We have our little miracle. I just hate the not knowing! Its agony. 

So many people are being so kind and encouraging, telling us that we will be great parents..its so thoughtful, but I really just want everything to be better for you. I feel responsible for every challenge you will face if you have that extra chromosome. I feel like this is all so unfair, but then I remember that you are everything I ever wanted. A beautiful child. 

I spent a lot of today crying, and your daddy spent a lot of today comforting - we have no way of knowing what lies ahead. But we do know one thing, you are the most loved boy in the world. We cant get enough of you. I am so glad that your'e in my life, and I am so excited to meet you one day soon! 

We continue to pray for you every day. Your daddy talks to you in my belly all the time :) and he sings too. We love spending time with you! And lucky us, we get to see you next week again, hopefully!

Keep kicking little man, 

I love you so much, 

Mama