A whole year...

My little Man,

You are ONE! Seems crazy that this day felt like it would never be here.... as a parent I think you feel like you will have your tiny baby forever, then suddenly, your baby is so big!

You Malakai, are by far the best one year old I have ever met! You are a delight! You may have to share that title if you ever have siblings though!

I feel like this photo shows your character so well. You are bright, loud, grubby, full of excitement, active, curious and sooooo adventurous. 

You have two teeth still, curly blonde hair, and the deepest blue eyes. You weigh 22lbs, and are still very tall! You love to say 'oh wow' and 'ball' - you are obsessed with light switches, door handles and lids. You need to put lids where they belong, and try out all the handles... You know the sign for "milk" and use it ALL the time... you point too, at EVERYTHING!

You have a sweeter gentle side too. I love your cuddles, and the way you  melt into my shoulder when you're tired.  Your sweet open-mouthed kisses, your giggles, and especially the way you drift to sleep while you're staring right at me. 

You had your first birthday cake a few days ago when we gathered with some of your favourite people, you had a great time in your birthday sandpit too! It was a very special day, one I will remember always. 

Romans 8:32 - He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?

Our son, this year has taught us both SO much but most of all our hearts have experienced an incredible love that we've never felt before! God has given us a child....YOU! You are the greatest gift we have ever received and by God's great goodness he has used that love to show me just a TINY bit of how much God must have loved his Son, Jesus! But Romans 8:32 says that God didn't hold on to His Son, as precious as he was. God willingly sent Jesus to his death to save you and me. 

I hope this verse shows you that, as much as your parents love you, you are MORE valuable to your Heavenly Father, who sent his Son to die to save YOU! And for that fact I am praising God right now! He is a faithful and loving God and you can put your life in His hands and he will never let you down, because he has saved you!

We love you with our whole hearts!!! Happy birthday, sweet boy.

Momma and Daddy

Six Months Old!

Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Hi Squish,

Oh my goodness, you are half a year BIG! I can not believe how fast this came round! They say time flies when you are having fun, its so true.

So - let me tell you just how much fun we have been up to in the last 4 months.

You started doing all sorts of crazy things that take lots of skill!
- You roll over,
- Sit up,
- EAT EAT EAT
- Laugh so much!
- You talk to yourself a lot, and to us - Lots of Mamma and Dadda sounds!
- You are unbelievably funny, and you make every single day a JOY!


You are weighing in at just under 21 lbs, and no one quite believes us when we say your'e only 6 months old! You are very very tall!

In the time since our last letter to you, you have had lots of firsts! Your first solid food, first Christmas, first snow, first time meeting Great Granddad - (you loved him - of course!) - and so many more!

We can't believe how much you change day to day... the way you learn things all by yourself, such a testimony to Gods incredible design, being parents has made us more and more aware of how amazing God is... He never ceases to amaze us. We go the the Neonatal specialist so they can make sure you're developing well after all the troubles during pregnancy, and in true testimony to Gods healing power, you are doing better than fine - developing perfectly, we will never accept it as anything short of a miracle and a blessing! God is good. I am so looking forward to writing your 1 year update, just because I know that I will be even more blown away by God's goodness to us...it is ever increasing!

Psalms 145:9 - The LORD is good to all, And His mercies are over all His works.

We love you more with each passing day little man! We pray daily that you will grow to know the Lord in all His goodness! Because NOTHING will bring you greater JOY!!

Love always,
Mamma & Daddy

Two Months Old!

Little Fella,

Two Months!!! When did that happen?
You are 13lb 9oz of pure funny bone! You crack us up daily with your little smiles and giggles! You respond to us more and more, you concentrate so hard on everything in sight!

You are growing out of clothes almost as soon as you've grown into them! I feel like you grow overnight.... its non stop and its a dream to watch you thrive so much!

You started coming to work with us this month - since you were about 6 weeks! You love all the people, and love hanging out in the wrap while Mama works! A major highlight of the month was your Ouma and Oupa visiting from Zimbabwe. They stayed for the whole month and it was so special to see them with you! They doted on you and did a great job helping us to look after you! You especially loved Oupas big shakes and Ouma took an impressive amount of photos of you! We hope that they will have a chance to see you again one day soon!
While they were here you had your first beach holiday - we spent a week in Abersoch, Wales, with the entire family - You didn't really have a clue where you were, but we like to think you enjoyed it! Who doesn't like the sea side after all? Your BIG cousins Sarah and Timmy were there with us and they lavished you with kisses and endless cuddles! You enjoyed bathing with them too! (Yes, you still LOVE to bath!)

James 1:17 - Every good and perfect gift is from above...

We had the opportunity to have you dedicated (blessed) in church this month. It was a very special day, and we felt so grateful that we had that opportunity to thank God for you in front of our church family, and to tell them of how wonderful God is to safely bring you to us! We also prayed that we would, with Gods help, be able to raise you well :)

You are still a delightfully happy baby that gives us no trouble at all. You are laid back and just seem to go with the flow! Nothing seems to phase you much at all.

You are gaining weight like a champ - probably due to your endless eating! You are a healthy little chunk! We still have to get your head measured every two weeks to keep an eye on that fluid on your left ventricle - but so far so good! :)

My favorite things about being a Mama this month have been, seeing you make other people happy, and seeing you become a very smiley boy! I love giving you raspberries, and I absolutely love it when you laugh so hard in your sleep that your whole body shakes. I love the way you nuzzle my neck when you're sleepy! So cute!

You are growing a second chin, and you now have some chubb in those cheeks of yours! Keep growing little squidgelet, Mama Loves you!

Your First Month!

Little Squishy Man!

You are one month old! The days turned into weeks and just flew by! I cant believe we have been blessed with you - you are simply wonderful! And you are growing fast!

Psalms 127:3 - 'Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him!'

How beautifully accurate that is - You are a blessing and reward! After all our worries while you were still in my tummy, we are all the more aware of how much of a gift each day is. Each one is a blessing that we will never take for granted.... I have enjoyed every moment of being your Mama!
Its been such an adventure already! You made us parents for the first time and its been so much crazy fun!  I have loved watching you grow this month. You are more and more awake - you smile in your sleep ALL the time - and you laugh in your sleep too! I need to get this on video!

You love to bath, its your absolute favorite thing to do, well, that and eat! You eat and eat and eat - much like your dad! Last week you weighed in at 9lbs 5oz! You have had so many visitors and you love being passed around for cuddles. :)

You pull some absolutely cracking faces...some great scowls! I think you take after your Daddy in this respect, he is forever pulling faces!

You are such a great baby for us too - you eat well, rarely cry, sleep soundly & you are very sociable :) We so enjoy unwrapping the gift that is Malakai, slowly getting to know your character and the little boy that God made you to be!

I cant wait to see what the next month has in store for us! I only wish time would slow down! Loving all these moments!

My favorite part of being your mum so far - all the little froggy snuggles, you scrunch into a teeny little ball on my chest, right near my heart! I love the way you sleep with your little mouth open. I love your newborn smell, and all that downy hair. I treasure our middle-of-the-night feeds! Daddy loves your little yawn... he turns to mush every time!

Keep growing little man of mine! I love you!

A New Creation!

Dear Malakai Daniel,

Today you were born. It seems funny that you have been alive for so long and yet there is a big difference between eagerly awaiting you when you are tucked away in your momma's tummy and when we can hold you in our arms! Your momma and your daddy wanted to tell you a little bit about how we felt today, so here goes.

Daddy:

Hey kid! This day was such an amazing day in so many ways but the first thing I want you to know about it is how I felt the first time I saw you take your first breathe. I'm sure your momma will tell you lots about what it was like for her, but just before you arrived, we were very nervous. We were in an operating theatre, with no guarantee that you would be able to be born any time soon, or whether the doctors would need to rescue you. So then, when you appeared and were handed to us by the doctor, it was a combination of shock, disbelief, bewilderment and excitement. You were a very grey colour and you hadn't started to breathe at this point. Though we knew that this was normal, we were worried; and when the doctors said they wanted to take you to the resuscitation area, we were panicking even more! All this was within the first 20 seconds of you appearing from inside your mum, and the midwife whisked you off, through a door, leaving us feeling bewildered and scared. All the doctors kept telling us that this happens all the time, and some babies can take over a minute to start breathing by themselves, but we didn't know what to think. After so many worries about your health throughout the pregnancy, we had no idea if your little heart would be able to cope doing it's job, or if any of the markers we'd been told about may point to a problem that could mean your life could be in danger before it even begins.

So I was stood next to your momma, seeing the worry on her face as she is desperate to hear your cries from the other side of the door.

Then we heard the most joyful scream we had ever heard in our lives. I left your momma for a few minutes, walked through the door and right in front of me I saw this...

You were filling your little lungs and yelling for all you were worth as the tears filled my eyes. The doctor was telling me that you were fine, and that you had started breathing all by yourself a few seconds after you left the room, but I wasn't listening. All I felt was this.

Thank you, LORD, for bringing our son to us!

There was so much relief felt by your momma and I, knowing that God had graciously answered our prayers. We knew that all we wanted was for you to be alive, and if you were healthy as well then that would be a bonus. However we also knew that God is sovereign over both life and death. God never promised to answer our prayers, but he always promises to hear them. And by his grace, here you are.

Remember, my son, that every day that you have on this Earth is a gift from God, the giver of Life, and therefore we all have a responsibility to give God the glory for that life that he has given us.

I thank God for every moment that we have with you, and EVEN MORE than that, I thank Him for Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. Jesus knows what it is like to be a baby, like you are now. He knows what it is like to be hungry, to cry, to feel love. He has experienced every aspect of human life that you will go through, and He was willing to suffer the most horrible death imaginable to save you.

For Christ died for sins, once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. 1 Peter 3:18

Momma:

My Lil man, 

Today was your birthday. After a long labour, you came into this world in a way that was so dramatic. Every second was a real test of faith, much like my pregnancy had been. I had been so focussed and determined to get you out safely, but all the while, I knew that it would only be by God's grace and goodness that I would get to hold you alive! 

First time I laid eyes on you!

Through tears I finally saw you as you were placed on my chest... all I could see was how grey you looked. I stroked your little thigh. So tiny and perfect, but you looked so lifeless and I was terrified. I don't recall much of what was being said, but I do remember asking over and over if you were ok. The Dr said she wanted you taken away, and I was scared. You still hadn't made a sound or taken a breath. As they whisked you away I cried and cried. Soon everyone was commenting that they could hear your screams, but I couldn't hear you. I made daddy go and see you. Not long after, he came back, crying and telling me you were perfect, and ALIVE! He kept hugging me and crying, he was so happy that you were ok. I sent him back to be with you, and that's when he returned with you in his arms. The single most breathtaking sight of my life, seeing him holding you, you were screaming! 

You were given to me again, but this time you were far from lifeless...you grabbed my finger and clung to it. I will never forget the relief I felt, seeing you so full of colour, and so alert! I was so grateful to God. I never wanted to let you go again. Looking at you, everything felt calm.... This verse flooded me:

"Be still and know, that I am God!" Psalm 46:10

All the way up to your birth, daddy and I had talked about every scenario. How we would respond if you were not OK. If you would need heart surgery. If you would need to be taken to NICU. If you didn't survive birth. So many possibilities to think through following all your scans... We wanted to be prepared to praise God, whatever the outcome. We also wanted to make the most of every minute we would have with you. But in preparing myself for all the worst case scenarios, I hadn't prepared myself for you being perfect. I was astounded, and so grateful to God. I have told your daddy that I wouldn't undo all the scans and worry for anything, because through all the unknowns, I have learnt so much and grown so much. I have been greatly humbled.

We are so very undeserving of you, Malakai. You are truly a gift from God. We pray daily that we can parent you in a way that is God honouring, and we pray that your life will always be a testimony to God's amazing grace. You have already been used to strengthen our faith and trust in God, as we have had to lean on Him more than ever in our journey to meeting you! I look forward to many many more years of leaning on God as we end the journey of meeting you, and begin the journey of raising you! Its gonna be an adventure!

All my love, 

Mamma xx

Full Term & Not in any rush!

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what he has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

Malakai, 

The world says this is your due date - but you and God seem to have your own ideas about that! I am happy knowing that you find me cosy enough that you want to stay in there so long! I am not sure how much longer my skin will be able to stretch though! 

From booking up until now I have gained a whopping 33lbs! I am dying to know how many of those pounds is pure Malakai! 

Keep growing little dude and enjoy being in there while you can, because you have to come out soon! If you are not here by the 17th, they are going to induce you - so I am really hoping you come before then on your own! We are so ready! In a month your Ouma and Oupa will be flying here from Zimbabwe to meet you, and all your family nearby is dying to hear about your arrival. Dont keep us waiting too long! 

Daddy talks to you ALL the time, and tries to convince you how fun life outside the womb is, in an effort to coax you out - to no avail! And he is not the only eager one. Everyone I run in to asks when you plan to show up!  (Dont know why they think I will know any more than they do!)

While we wait though, we grow to love you more and more. I think back to when you were just a little dot, and I was so scared we wouldn't make it this far - it has been such a journey, and you have made us fall more in love with you every week. We just know that meeting you is going to be the absolute melting of our hearts!

I am very excited to see how much of your daddy is in you - I think you will have his eyes and chin..you definitely have his laid back approach to life!

But mostly we are excited to see who Malakai is :) And the next time I blog, will be because you have arrived! I am so looking forward to writing that letter...it will be my favourite by far!!!

Love you little man!
Mamma xxxx

Growing, growing & more growing!!

Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done. 1 Chronicles 16:8

Little man, Look at how far you have come!

You have been growing for a whole 38 weeks! Today was another scan day! No more scans for us!!!! Your'e doing so great! They estimate you at a whopping 8lbs!!!! and you still have 2 weeks to grow! How much bigger are you gonna get?! Of course, pictures of you are near impossible now because of how squished up you are in there!

Everything else on the scan seems to be much the same, and now we are just waiting for you to be here so we can know how you're doing! We are aching to hold you and waiting feels unending! 

The fluid around you is stable and you are ever so slightly engaged, so there is no rush to get you out - what a huge answer to prayer, because we know that you are safest in my belly for as long as possible! The fluid on your brain ventricles is unchanged, and when you are born they will need to do a brain ultrasound to know exactly what this will mean. But we are not worried, God has you in His care, and He has been faithful throughout! 

I feel BIG and heavy! Your growth sure stretches me out - its a wonder I am not bursting at the seams! I am uncomfortable, but I still LOVE growing you inside me! I love that you have a sleep pattern, and that I get to feel you respond to daddy's voice & how fruit makes you dance! You could be here in 2 weeks, or it could be as long as 4 weeks - but regardless, I am determined to savour these moments where its just us two! Before I have to share you with the world!

I cant wait to meet you Malakai....and I am aching to kiss your little cheeks!

Lots of love, 

Mamma xx

Celebrating You!!

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from our Father in heaven, who does not change like the shifting shadows... James 1:17

Malakai, 

36 Weeks along today - and the beginning of my maternity leave...its all getting very real! I am ever expanding.... I love seeing the constant growing - means you're doing great even if it does make me look like a hippo! 

Today we celebrated YOU! A little baby shower with close friends was thrown (By your wonderful aunt Becca!) I was very overwhelmed by how many people already love you and cant wait to meet you. It was wonderful to be surrounded by the lovely people that I know you will grow up knowing and loving. We feel so blessed to know that you have so many people looking out for you! God is incredibly good!

You were spoiled and you are not even earthside yet! We cant wait until you are actually here to make use of all these gifts :) 

You are our good and perfect gift from God - we cannot wait to have you in our arms!

Keep growing strong little man, there is lots of love and fun waiting for you here!!

Mamma xxx

The countdown has really begun!

He is the maker of heaven and earth, the sea and everything in them- He remains faithful forever! Psalm 146:6

My little man,

Here we are...32 weeks you and I - 32 weeks of growing you and loving you and hoping for you. All the while not knowing if each week would be the last, or whether it would bring us that much closer to finally holding you in our arms.

As I sit here I can feel you kicking, I think you are frustrated with the lack of space! I am extra aware of how cramped it is in there for you now, because today we had another growth scan and I have to be honest, I cant tell what I am looking at in this picture of you... I can see your umbilical cord and your knee...but your face is hard to see now!

You are BIG. 4lb 8oz is what they estimate right now. Crazy considering you still have a LOT of time to grow! The good news from the scan today, is that your heart and kidneys still look good. There are no visible issues. We are still faced with the borderline unilateral ventriculomegaly on your left ventricle. But it hasn't increased, which is a huge relief. Your left side is 10mm, which is almost double the right side, at 5.5mm, I'ts scary because until you come, we just don't know what this means...or if it even will have any importance. So for now, we have to just continue to trust God. He is faithful. He has been faithful throughout this pregnancy... and every time I think about you, I thank God for all his many blessings. All the things about you that he has made unique and special and perfect in His eyes. In our eyes too. We could not love you more little man, you are everything we have ever hoped for.

I can hardly believe that we are into the last 8 weeks of waiting. It finally feels like we are close to meeting you! Keep growing strong, we pray for you every day, and we love you more than we ever thought possible.

Love,
Mama xx

The fifth dimension is love!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinithians 5:17 (ESV)

Dear Kai,

We've seen you!

I know we've already seen you a lot but this time was different! Momma organised a special scan so that we could see you in 4D! It was pretty thrilling! Your momma had shown me photos of scans of other babies but I wasn't sure what you were going to look like. I guess I was a little nervous. With all the worries that we have had over the last few months I wasn't sure what to expect. It was good to feel all those worries disappear when we saw your little face for the first time.

Your momma and I have spent a lot of time talking about you, our hopes for your future, the consequences of scan results and what they may mean for you, lots of possibilities and "What if...?" questions. But to see your face reminded me of how very blessed we are to have you in our lives, even though you're still not going to be born for another 3 months!

God has been challenging me since your momma and I got married, that being a parent is tough because, even though we know that you are our child, we don't know you yet!

It seems like a funny thing to say, but it's good for us to remember that, as much as I may want you to be like your momma, or like your Grandma or your Oupa, the person you will be most like is... YOU! You are a unique person, created by our loving Creator and as you grow I hope that I never forget that your destiny is not to be like me, ("Jonny Jr." as some might say) but your destiny is to be a beautiful creation, dearly loved by God and a person that Jesus thought was worth dying for.

We pray every day that God will give us the strength, courage and humility to help you be a new creation!

You are a joy to behold, my son, and I will treasure every moment that you are in my life.

Daddy xx

God is faithful...

Your love O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness, to the skies. 

Psalm 36:5

Little Man, 

We're in the third trimester! Yay!! Today we went for another growth scan to make sure that your'e growing right, and to check up on the extra fluid on your brain! 

On the way to the hospital there was a big rainbow over Sheffield. It reminded me of Gods promises, and His faithfulness. I was filled with peace knowing that God has you in the palm of His hand...and though we know NOTHING, He knows everything about you already! 

You are NOT so little any more! Since we last saw you you have more than doubled in size! I am blown away. You are 27+2 and weighing in at 2lb10!! That is HUGE! I am so proud of all the growing you have done! (Partly due to all the ice lollies I have been eating I am sure!) You have gone from being below the 25th Percentile in limb length and weight, to being above the 50th Percentile! This fills us with so much joy, to know your'e growing at the right rate! 

Most excitingly, the unilateral ventriculomegaly (fluid on the left side of your brain) has reduced! Its now measuring 10mm, which is borderline! We are so grateful for this, and really surprised! :) You still have a great heart too! Its beating away at a great rate! 

You seem to be pretty laid back... I mean, you never keep still, but somehow you still looked like you were on a summer holiday in there with your little legs crossed and looking so chilled out! Taking after your dad more and more each time we see you! 

You growing on the inside means me ever expanding on the outside! I feel bigger every day, but not sure its hugely noticeable, but my belly button has gone from being an 'inny' to being almost an 'outy!' - weird!

Keep growing strong lil man! Only about 12 weeks til we get to hold you in our arms, we can hardly wait! 

Mama x 

Malakai the messenger! :)

"I have loved you," says the LORD - Malachi 1:2

My boy,

This is your dad speaking! It's so exciting that, even though you're not going to be born for another 15 weeks, your mama tells me you can hear me so I can talk to you and you can hear me!!!! I am often asking you how your day is going and why you're kicking so much! It makes your mama uncomfortable but she loves it so much.

I wanted to tell you a little bit about your name and why we have chosen it for you. As you know, we've been thinking about you and talking about you since before you were even a little twinkle in your mother's eye, so we have been thinking about what name we would give you for a long time. After a lot of thoughts and ideas, (some that your mama REALLY didn't like!) we decided on the name...

Malakai

We decided on the African spelling with a "k" to remind you that you are an African boy and that Zimbabwe will always be part of your heritage. I hope that we can go there together some day and visit your Ouma and Oupa! Malakai/Malachi comes from the Hebrew name meaning "my messenger". Malachi (the prophet) was sent by God to bring a message to the people of Israel. On the whole it was not a message that they wanted to hear, as it was a warning about what happens when you disobey God, but also it speaks about how one day soon Jesus will come to save all those who believe in him!!!

But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its rays. - Malachi 4:2a

Your mamma and I are praying for you that you will come to know for yourself the amazing truth that Jesus gladly gave his life for YOU! He died to save you so that you can live forever with your perfect Heavenly dad! We are so excited about the privilege of teaching you about all the wonderful things God has done and continues to do in our lives. We pray that you will be "His messenger" and a witness in the world of the glorious promises of God.

My boy, I praise the Lord for you! I hope that, when you read this, you know who Jesus is and you accept for yourself  the free gift of LIFE that he offers to all who believe in Him.

I love you with my whole heart,

Daddy   x

Busy week ahead!

And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those that love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Malakai, 

You are 24 weeks! I am so excited to reach viability week! I am so excited by all the growing you have
been doing! Your'e so so big now! You stretch right across my belly!! I can feel when you do a big stretch, I can feel you hiccuping all the time! I can tell when you elbow me, when you kick me, and even when you stick your little butt out! I know when your'e sleeping and awake! You never seem to stop moving...your'e gonna keep us on our toes I can tell! I wasn't prepared for just how much I would know about you before you even arrived!! Its pretty cool! You have stretched my tummy right out and given me some serious stretch marks... my tiger stripes I like to think! :) a nice reminder that your'e growing big in there!

We have a meeting on Wednesday with our consultant to discuss more about you and your health. Then a midwife appointment on Friday too! So its kind of a busy week all about you! I feel so at peace about you, I know that God has you in the palm of His hand, He loves you, and He has BIG plans for you! 

Its also downs syndrome awareness week this week, which I only know about because of the possibility that you may have downs syndrome. We don't know the outcome for you just yet, but I do know already that God is using this situation, and this time of waiting, for good. 

We are so blessed, and our lives are so enriched by you already Malakai... Your'e not even here yet and you have taught us to see the world in a different way! I am so glad that we have you as our son... already, I cannot imagine life without you in it! 

Love,  

Mama

Heartbroken....

For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

My Malakai, 

I woke up hopeful and optomistic for today.. Its the follow up scan to your MRI. You had not stopped wiggling since I woke up this morning, and I take that as a good sign! For the most part, things look as they usually do. Your heart, yet again, is your strength - its beating away powerfully and it seems ok. You are weighing about 1lb and 3oz now! Thats so crazy to me! I am so proud of how BIG your'e growing!!

But they found another marker for downs syndrome little man.. you have Pre-nasal Oedema. That, when put together with your teeny nose, chubby lil neck, short legs and unilateral ventriculamegaly - means that its looking increasingly like you have a chromosomal abnormality, the most likely of which is Downs syndrome. 

I so want to dig deep and find some hope. But I cant, not today anyway. I am heartbroken. I want you to

have every shot at a normal life. I want everyone around you to treat you as normal, and I know that is just not feasible with downs syndrome, there will always be someone that wont treat you as you deserve. This world is cruel. I know that ultimately, I am just so very grateful to have you. We have prayed for you and hoped for you for a long long time. and God has blessed us with you. We have our little miracle. I just hate the not knowing! Its agony. 

So many people are being so kind and encouraging, telling us that we will be great parents..its so thoughtful, but I really just want everything to be better for you. I feel responsible for every challenge you will face if you have that extra chromosome. I feel like this is all so unfair, but then I remember that you are everything I ever wanted. A beautiful child. 

I spent a lot of today crying, and your daddy spent a lot of today comforting - we have no way of knowing what lies ahead. But we do know one thing, you are the most loved boy in the world. We cant get enough of you. I am so glad that your'e in my life, and I am so excited to meet you one day soon! 

We continue to pray for you every day. Your daddy talks to you in my belly all the time :) and he sings too. We love spending time with you! And lucky us, we get to see you next week again, hopefully!

Keep kicking little man, 

I love you so much, 

Mama

Your first MRI - and Hopefully the last!

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was made in the secret place, woven together in the depths of the earth. Psalm 139:15

Little Man Malakai, 

Your swelling my belly right up! Every now and again your daddy looks at me and says "Wow, you really ARE pregnant aren't you!!" Silly man!

Today we had your MRI - it was horrible and noisy and you hated it. You wiggled and jumped and squirmed and kicked the whole way through. I felt so bad for you! But we did get some very cool shots of you. We are so lucky to get such a glimpse into your little world. The video of you kicking and moving just reminds me of how amazing your creator is! He is knitting you together, bit by bit. 

We wont get the full results until we go to see the consultant next week, but the suspected unilateral ventriculamegaly has been confirmed. All we can do is hope and pray that this is not affecting your developement, and that you stay strong for now.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152170669180753&l=6574805677181299082

We thank God for every day we have with you... 

I love you so much, 

Mama

Your'e so adorable....

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well! Psalm 139:14

Little Man Malakai, 

Daddy and I got to see you again today.. it seems you grow more adorable every time! You with your teeny nose and big noggin! We love you from top to toe! It amazes me how much detail we can see of you... All four chambers of your heart, your kidneys, your little fingers and toes, your perfect spine! 

Again, you made us proud with your strong heart. Your'e such a good boy! :) And everything else structural is looking good. The Dr found a little too much fluid on the left ventricle of your brain though (Unilateral Ventriculamegaly) - It is borderline at the moment but he wants a second opinion, and so is sending us in for an MRI on Wednesday to take a closer look. 

I am trying very hard to not worry, and your daddy is doing a great job in taking care of me and reminding me that God is in control! I am so glad that he is your daddy, you are one lucky boy....he is the best and you are gonna love him so much! :)

We will be seeing you again in two days, arent we lucky! in the mean time, keep growing!

Love you the whole wide world, 

Mama

Halfway and kicking!

Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength! Nehemiah 8:10

Malakai! We are halfway!! Way-to-go little man! That's quite the milestone!

This week was also the first time I caught your little kicks on camera. They are very little, but they are indeed there! You never stop kicking.... its constant! I even caught a game of poke on camera...I poke and you kick... I love it!

You are gonna be one active little boy, I can tell! I don't think anyone is quite as excited as I am about your kicking... but that's ok :) Every kick brings a smile to my face! Everytime I tell your daddy that you kicked me, he says 'thats ma boy!' - He thinks he is so funny!

Everyone notices my belly now, so I get lots of questions about you. Sometimes I don't know what to say. People ask me about how sick I feel, or if I hate any food or smells. This all seems so trivial to me when I am constantly thinking about all the possible problems you could have with your health. No-one seems to want to talk about the fact that you could have downs syndrome. And almost everyone brushes this away. Like mass denial. People tell me not to think about something that might not even happen. But how can I not think about it. Your'e my little boy, I want to be ready for you in every way I can. I want to help you as much as I can! I need to know that I have prepared as best I can for my child. I think some people see this as dwelling on the negative.

I know there is still every chance that your'e just fine. But its so hard to process all the what ifs! Trying so hard to hand it all over to God every day.

I love you little man!
Mama

Over the moon...

Your love oh Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness reaches to the skies! Psalm 36:5

Little Malakai, 

Oh my! I am so proud of you! You are growing from strength to strength. I cant believe how big you have got! It amazes me! You are the cutest kid on the block - and we LOVE watching you wiggle about in there! You already have your mama's nose, and your daddy's tummy :) 

They couldn't tell us anything we didn't already know... which is great...nothing new to worry about! Your heart still seems great, and that makes me so very happy! God is so very good. I thank Him for every day that we have with you. 

Daddy and I left the scan today so elated :) seeing you always gives us such a buzz. We love you with our whole hearts little man. Although we only get to see you on scan once in a while, we are daily reminded of your presence because of how big and round my belly is getting! You keep making yourself known! 

Love, 

Mama

Moments of Weakness...

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

My Little Malakai, 

Your'e not feeling so little anymore..you are growing so much and so fast! I love watching you get bigger. Its so exciting. I try so hard to keep focussed on these little joys. Feeling you move, hearing your heartbeat and seeing my bump grow... but its so so hard not to worry about you. You are our little miracle and we constantly worry about what might be wrong. 

I pray for you still, every night. That God would keep growing you BIG and strong. 

I have been busying myself getting your room ready for you (with your daddy's help)... now that we know your'e a boy it means that we can add a little boy touch to it :) Its been so fun getting ready for you, and I can't wait til your'e here and using your room, even if it means crying at 3am! :)

Just four days now until we get to see you again - we have another scan. I can barely wait, I bet you have grown heaps!

All my love, 

Mama

Our little BOY!!!

I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart, I will glorify your name! Psalm 86:12

Little Bean,

You are infact our little boy! I am so excited that we can finally call you by your name. Malakai Daniel Greaves! We love our little boy so much! Your daddy's face was priceless when we found out, I so wish I had my camera at hand to capture it. He is so proud of his boy. 

             

                                                         
You didn't pose very well, so we didnt get a great picture, only a lil snap of your ickle nose! But we treasure it anyway :)

There was some good news, and some, not great news. But the biggest excitement for me is that your heart looks perfect so far! They also can't find any structural abnormalities. But they did say you have a small nasal bone, and a two vessel umbilical cord, which are both soft markers for downs syndrome. 

They are booking us in for another scan soon so that they can try see why your'e missing an artery in your cord, it could be nothing, but mainly they want to make sure your kidneys are ok. 

I am a little worried about these new findings, but mainly praising God for how well the scan went, and how well your strong little heart is doing! 

We are so proud of you little man, keep growing big and strong! 

Love, 

Mama